My year of weddings

Readers might recall a column I wrote about buying a dress for the wedding of my eldest son. Three months in advance of the big day, I went shopping for a dress only to discover that special occasion dresses need to be ordered 6 months in advance. This led me to reflect on weddings as an industry, where the focus is the party, not the marriage ceremony. Since I wrote that column, my family has celebrated two more weddings. Within a ten-month period, our eldest son, our daughter, and a sister tied the knot. I have come to associate certain symbols with each wedding.

A wedding is a journey

"Two Bright Coloured Suitcases and Sun"

One of our weddings was a destination wedding of sorts. Although it did not take place in an exotic, foreign location, it required travel for the majority of guests, who spent the weekend together at a resort. The symbol I associate with this wedding is a suitcase. While a suitcase is an unusual symbol for a wedding, I think it an appropriate one because a suitcase conjures up images of a journey. Marriages, like journeys, are full of adventure and discovery.

The marriage journey takes a couple to unexpected places. Along the way, a married couple may have to discard some of the proverbial baggage from the past, acquire new bags and repack. A marriage is a journey of mutual wonder when the suitcase is packed with the attributes of a loving relationship, with virtues such as patience, kindness, humility, and selflessness.

"Tying the knot"

During my year of weddings, I learned that the knot is a traditional symbol of marriage. Thus, the expression, “tying the knot” has become a colloquial way of saying that someone is getting married. At one of our weddings, the minister symbolically bound the couple together by placing a sash over their wrists, and saying, “What God has joined together, let no one tear asunder.”

"Double Heart Shaped Silver Rope Tied" 

A well-tied knot fastens things together and is difficult to undo. A couple joined together in marriage is a bit like two pieces of rope knotted together. The two become one, while retaining their individuality. The knot is a symbol of unity and of the exclusive relationship of marriage.

A house built on rock

Rocks (not the sparkly variety) became the predominant symbol for another one of our weddings. Rocks are essential elements in construction. When hewn into blocks, rocks become cornerstones. Rocks, in the form of gravel, are an integral component of the concrete used in foundations. Rocks form walls that provide stability against erosion, and give shape to gardens and landscapes. The solid and enduring nature of a rock makes it an excellent symbol for the commitment required of marriage.

For one of the readings at this wedding, the couple had chosen a parable from the Gospel of Matthew. A wise man builds his house on rock, so when the storms come and beat against the walls of the house, the house remains intact. A good marriage is like a house built on rock. As the pastor at this wedding remarked, there are three rocks that are essential for a life-giving marriage: trust, forgiveness, and fidelity.

In what was surely an inspired moment, a family member brought three rocks, labeled “trust”, “forgiveness”, and “fidelity” respectively, to the reception, and invited everyone to sign a rock. The rock that quickly became crowded with names was “forgiveness”. Maybe this was due to the comment that “there is no love without forgiveness,” or maybe the desire for forgiveness resonates with our experience of relationship.

These rocks are a visual reminder of the promises the couple made on their wedding day. The sincere attempt to live their promises will help them to weather the storms that life offers up.

Departure and destination: wedding and marriage

In a perfect world, every marriage would be built on mutual patience, kindness, humility and respect, and every couple would be perfect soul mates. Alas, we live in an imperfect world, where sometimes the rigors of the journey, and the baggage that we pack around with us, erode the beauty of the relationship that a couple embraces on their wedding day.

The three symbols in my year of weddings, the knot, the rocks, and the suitcase, remind me that the wedding day is an exciting point of departure. The destination is the sincere attempt to live the vows over the course of the journey. With a securely fastened suitcase that includes trust, forgiveness, and fidelity, the couple is well on their way.

"Wedding Rocks" by Louise McEwan

Photos courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos
"Double Heart Shaped Rope Tied" by nuttakit
"Two Bright Coloured Suitcases with Sun" by Victor Habbick

Join the conversation in a respectful way, please

I would be exaggerating if I called it “hate mail”, but a recent email from a reader was definitely on the nasty side.  The reader was emailing me in response to a column I had written on using inclusive language to speak about God. After quoting from the creation of man in the Book of Genesis, the writer of the email commanded me to give up my opinions. While I thought this was rather imperious of him, and demonstrated a false notion of moral superiority, his email illustrated one of the points of my column: “androcentric language for God perpetuates the stereotype of male superiority”.  

I appreciate reader feedback, even when a reader disagrees with my point of view. I enjoy hearing different opinions; they make me think about my own.  Generally, when readers contact me with an opinion, they are interested in sharing ideas in a respectful manner. They know what I think from reading my column, and I get to know what they think from reading their emails. 

Promoting conversation through mutual respect

"Global Communication"

The respectful exchange of ideas promotes conversation. Through conversation, we moderate our attitudes, and reevaluate our opinions.  Through conversation, we develop a broader understanding of issues, of the world, and of our place in the world.

The media often invites us to “join the conversation”; we can post our thoughts online and comment on the opinions of others. Frequently, in these online “conversations”, people express intolerance for the opinions of others, and comments are sarcastic and insulting. The public discourse that social media seeks to encourage often ends up being little more than people spouting off in an attempt to foist their views on others.

If I learned anything from raising teenagers, the quickest way to shut down communication is to claim moral superiority on a position, and adopt a “my way or the highway” attitude.  A consistent application of the “my way or the highway” style of communication effectively limits one’s own intellectual, emotional, and spiritual growth, and does nothing to create meaningful dialogue.

Meaningful conversation requires that we remain open to worldviews, beliefs and opinions that differ from our own.   When we are willing to listen and consider different points of view, conversation becomes a tool that promotes individual growth, and fosters the advancement of human society.  Communication occurs when persons exchange views with civility and tolerance.

Debate or dialogue?

An example of what I consider to be a good conversation took place earlier this year at Oxford University. Oxford hosted what was billed as a debate between Richard Dawkins, often described as the world’s most famous atheist, and Rowan Williams, Archbishop of Canterbury. Philosopher Sir Anthony Kenny, who described himself as agnostic, chaired the discussion.

The topic for the event was "The nature of human beings and the question of their ultimate origin."  Given the disparity between their beliefs, and the strength of their convictions, I expected to see a political style debate between Dawkins and Williams. I expected a contest, and as with all contests, I expected someone to emerge as the winner. Of course, given my own belief in God, I was hoping that the Archbishop would be more the persuasive of the two.

My expectations and hope, however, never materialized.  The event was less of a debate, and more of a conversation. Neither party attempted to prove the other wrong, or to persuade the other with scientific argument or Christian apologetics, respectively. Instead, the men exchanged ideas, and during the exchange they found points of agreement. Notably absent from the demeanor of the participants was any sense of moral superiority. Both appeared to be conscious of their own limitations, and the limitations of human understanding when confronted with the secrets of science, and the mysteries of faith.  The men, and the audience, shared a genuine desire to learn. The mutual respect and humility of the participants engendered an intellectually and spiritually stimulating conversation that came to its conclusion all too quickly. 

"Meeting Room"

The best conversations continue long after the participants have gone home and the room has fallen silent.  Unlike online conversations where comments are “closed” and removed, and unlike emails that can be quickly deleted, we archive ideas from good conversations in our mind. The best conversations are useful tools that aid us in our quest for understanding and meaning; they influence us in ways that sarcasm, intolerance, and just plain nastiness never will.

Photos courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/

"Global Communication" by digitalart

http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/images/agree-terms.php?id=10051922

"Meeting Room" by sixninepixels 

http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/images/agree-terms.php?id=10052036

Is the LCWR a cause of scandal?

The Leadership Conference of Women Religious (LCWR) represents over 80% of the 57,000 Catholic women religious in the United States.  The Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith (CDF) has completed a doctrinal assessment of the organization, and found the LCWR lacking where the rubber meets the road, where church teaching and secular morality clash.  According to the CDF, some of the activities and theology of the LCWR undermine the moral credibility of the Catholic Church.

In a video, posted on YouTube, entitled “Reality Check: the LCWR, CDF and the Doctrinal Assessment”, Bishop Leonard Blair of Toledo presents the case against the LCWR.  The video is a response to the overwhelming support for the LCWR and the criticism of the doctrinal assessment process. In the video, Blair discusses two areas of concern: what the LCWR says, and what it leaves unsaid.

"Reality Check" and what the LCWR says

Blair discusses problems with the theology of the LCWR, which is labelled as "radical feminist theology".  He specifically mentions the content of several keynote addresses, going back to 1997, at the annual assembly of the LCWR. Among the objectionable examples are:

• Sister Sandra Schneider’s comments in 1997 on the issue of faith in religious congregations
• Sister Laurie Brink’s comments in 2007 about a post-Christian era
• Father Michael Crosby’s 2004 remarks supporting the ordination of women 
• the choice of this year’s keynote speaker, Barbara Max Hubbard, a conscious evolution theorist. It remains to be seen in what ways her address will be offensive.

Schneider has two strikes against her in the “Reality Check”.   The major objection to Schneider seems to be her critique of patriarchy as incompatible with the Gospel. The truth often offends, and Schneider seems to have a struck a nerve with her insights.

Theology - a tradition of faith seeking understanding

I find it hard to become anxious about the theological questions that the LCWR raises in its assemblies.  They are voicing the questions that many Catholics, and people of good will, are asking, not only about morality, but also about the place of women in the Church. Theology is "faith seeking understanding"; it is not about checking your brain at the door to the church.

When I was watching the “Reality Check” video, I recalled an encounter my mother-in-law had with a priest over thirty years ago. She had found a theologian who was asking the kind of questions that she and others were discussing amongst themselves. She was reading with interest and excitement “On Being a Christian” by Hans Kung, a theologian whom the Vatican censured. She couldn’t wait to share this book with her parish priest. To her dismay, the priest instructed her to put the dangerous and heretical book aside. My mother-in-law kept right on reading.

This little vignette should remind us of the tension that has existed for centuries between theologians and the Magisterium. It is not surprising that the teaching authority of the Catholic Church continues to butt heads with 21^st century theologians. The vignette also illustrates the futility of attempts to silence questioning and to circumscribe thought. Many thoughtful, faithful Catholics probe the depths of human existence and faith. Questioning traditional teachings does not scandalize them.  

"Reality Check" and what the LCWR does not say

Apart from what the assessment considers the LCWR’s questionable theology, the video mentions  the LCWR’s silence on two major moral challenges of our time: the right to life of the unborn, and the meaning of marriage as the exclusive and permanent union of one man and one woman.

While Church teaching is clear on these two moral issues, it also asserts the primacy of conscience. Even informed Catholic consciences face gut wrenching moral choices, and “good” Catholics sometimes do not abide by the moral teaching of the Church.

While the bishops may wish that the LCWR more vigorously promoted Church teaching on abortion and homosexuality, being present with people as they agonize over difficult choices is also a strong and persuasive witness to the Gospel. The sisters bring the love of our compassionate God, revealed to humanity in the person of Jesus, to the people on the streets.

A sad irony

There is a sad irony in the title of the video, “Reality Check”.  Scandals, particularly those of clerical sexual abuse, have tarnished the image of the Catholic Church. These scandals have done more to undermine the moral credibility and teachings of the Church than the activities of the LCWR. The reality is that people in today’s world are less inclined to blindly accept pronouncements from an institution that, in its humanness, is full of its own sinful contradictions.

Resources:

For a National Public Radio interview with the president of the LCWR, Sister Pat Farrell, go to: An American Nun responds to Vatican Criticism.  The program "Fresh Air" will feature Bishop Blair next week. 

The National Catholic Reporter has a section on the LCWR.  The Prairie Messenger also has commentary; go to the link and enter "LCWR" in the search box to access a variety of articles.

An arkful of books

My neighbors were making plans to build an ark, and last week, I was tempted to hustle over and join them, but I was comfortably curled up with a good book. We had the rainiest June in decades, and the weather was beginning to feel a bit Biblical.

"Noah leading the animals into the ark" c.1665
Giovanni Benedetto Castiglione

I wonder how Noah and company passed 40 wet days and nights on the ark. After feeding the animals and mucking out the stalls, I wonder if they sat around telling stories. 

If I were on an ark, I would want a library. The challenge would be which books to bring along due to the limited space. Needing some assistance with this challenge, I asked family and friends, “If you were on the ark, what book would you bring along?”  The responses were creative, humorous, and intriguing.

Some interesting suggestions:

One of the ark-building neighbors had a unique idea. He said that he would take an author, instead of a book, so that he would have the benefit of many stories.

My daughter’s first thought was a journal, providing pens were permitted. If a family were confined on an ark with a bunch of animals, there would surely be stories worth recording. We could write our own, but friendlier, version of “The Life of Pi” by Yann Martel.

Both my son-in-law and my son suggested “The SAS Survival Handbook: How to Survive in the Wild in any Climate on Land or Sea” by John ‘Lofty’ Wiseman. This same son thought we’d need “The Story of Doctor Doolittle” by Hugh Lofting.  We could pick up a new language, and meditate disputes between the aardvark and the zebra. My son-in-law, concerned that me might be in danger of contracting cabin fever and going a little “squirrely”, would also like a book that conjures up images of land to help us stay grounded.

According to my other son, Darwin’s “Origin of the Species”, and George Orwell’s  “Animal Farm” were obvious choices. He also recommended “The Autobiography of Benjamin Franklin”, not because Franklin invented the lightning rod, but because Franklin’s ideas on living a morally good life might be helpful in recreating society once the ark docked.

Noah and the inhabitants of the ark were the precursors of the ancient nation of Israel. Although this was not the foremost reason for her selection, a friend suggested “Exodus”, by Leon Uris, the historical novel that depicts the creation of the modern day state of Israel. First published in 1958, this novel continues to impact readers with its story, and themes of human cruelty, intolerance, vengeance and forgiveness.

One of my sons and I discussed including Timothy Findley’s “Not Wanted on the Voyage”, an imaginative but very disturbing account of Noah and the ark.  We were a little hesitant, but I decided to include it with the following disclaimer: this book contains graphic scenes of violence and may offend readers.  This is not a novel for the reader who is faint of heart, or religiously invested in the Genesis account of the flood. “Not Wanted on the Voyage” raises questions about the nature of human society and religion, the human lust for power, and the need to dominate others and the natural world. 

Another neighbour suggested Bryce Courtenay’s “The Power of One”. This is the story of Peekay, a vulnerable little boy whose character is sorely tested. This novel is an inspiring tale of remaining afloat against all odds, and overcoming obstacles that have the power to destroy our spirit.

Independently of each other, my husband and I both selected “The Confessions” of Saint Augustine, translated by Maria Boulding. In the Genesis account of the flood, the ark is a refuge from the turbulent waters of destruction, and is symbolic of God’s caring presence.  In “The Confessions”, Augustine recounts his spiritual journey away from inner turbulence and disbelief towards belief and stillness in God.

“The Confessions”, like the story of Noah and the ark, has survived for centuries. Its themes of doubt and restlessness resonate with human experience. Who among us has not longed for stillness, or has not sought a refuge from trouble? Has there ever been a spiritual journey that was totally devoid of doubt?

While my question prompted some unexpected replies, the eclectic collection of ideas makes for an unusual summer reading list that will entertain us, stretch the confines of our mind, and, in the case of Augustine, uplift our soul.

"The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel" Review

In “The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel”, a group of British seniors, for a variety of reasons, “outsource” their retirement to India.  Despite the simplicity and predictability of the plot, the film works because of the outstanding cast of seasoned British actors, which includes, among others, Judi Dench, and Tom Wilkinson. Fans of Downton Abbey will enjoy Maggie Smith’s performance as Muriel, the bigoted old bag, and Penelope Wilton's
portrayal of an unlikeable, and excessively negative, domineering wife. 

The characters are strangers to one another until they meet en route to Jaipur.  They are the first group of guests at the hotel, whose proprietor, Sonny (Dev Patel of Slum Dog Millionaire fame), has misrepresented its grandeur in promotional material.  Sonny’s idea is to restore the property and “outsource aging” because people in the west dislike the elderly.  There is a pointed comment about contemporary western attitudes towards the elderly in Sonny’s dream of creating a “home for the elderly, so wonderful that they will simply refuse to die.”

This charming movie deals in a lighthearted way with the challenges of aging as it explores issues such as health, loss and loneliness, independence, and financial constraints. As the characters attempt to reconcile the changes that come with aging, the audience is treated to some relevant insights about life.

The young, optimistic Sonny lives by the mantra, “Everything will be all right in the end. So if it is not all right, it is not yet the end.”  Even though he describes his life at one point as a series of “catastrophes”, he is unshakeable in his conviction that things eventually work towards the good.  Sonny embodies the virtue of hope.

Smith’s character, Muriel, has gone to India for a free, fast tracked hip replacement as part of a pilot program. At her age, she could die during the 6-month waiting period at home. She sarcastically tells the doctor, “I don’t even buy green bananas!”  Her hilarious delivery packs an important “carpe diem” punch.

The poignancy of Muriel’s situation is revealed as the film progresses. She is a single woman who dedicated her life to serving one family. As she aged, the family replaced her with someone younger. Muriel struggles with feelings of rejection and uselessness, but she is not ready to give up living.  Perhaps more than any other character in the film, she transforms her situation by first transforming her inner self, and then goes to work transforming the hotel into the place of Sonny's dream.

In order to supplement her meager income, Evelyn (Dench) finds a job at a call center as a cultural adviser. Confused about technology at the beginning of the film, she blogs about her experiences in India on the “interweb”.  She posts, “The only real failure is the failure to try, and success is measured by how we cope with disappointment.” Evelyn, who  blissfully relied on her husband, now deceased, is confronted with a series of disappointing realizations. Circumstances pushed her out the door of her comfortable life. Her post is an encouraging shove to anyone who finds it difficult to wander out of their established comfort zone.

While Evelyn who holds the movie together, Graham (Tom Wilkinson) emerges as the most sympathetic character.  Unlike the other characters, we have to wait to discover Graham’s reason for retiring to India.  Graham is in search of reconciliation and healing. He is haunted by an incident from his past, and has spent a lifetime living with regret and guilt.  Graham is finally able to forgive himself when he confronts the past and discovers that the consequences of the incident were much graver in his imagination than in real life.  Graham’s story speaks to the difficult reality of healing painful memories, and learning to forgive one’s self for the perceived or actual wrongs one has done.

As the film nears its happy conclusion, Evelyn comments, “Nothing here has worked out quite as I expected.” Muriel sagely replies, “Most things don’t, but sometimes what happens instead is the good stuff.” Life is mystery. We know the characters in our own story, but the plot of our life frequently unfolds in ways we could never imagine.

At its core, this film is about people transforming their situations, and positively affecting the lives of others. The movie is refreshing in its ability to communicate its messages in a gentle and often humorous fashion. While I didn’t agree with the choices that some of the other characters made en route to transformation, I left the theater with a smile on my face and in my heart.