My year of weddings

Readers might recall a column I wrote about buying a dress for the wedding of my eldest son. Three months in advance of the big day, I went shopping for a dress only to discover that special occasion dresses need to be ordered 6 months in advance. This led me to reflect on weddings as an industry, where the focus is the party, not the marriage ceremony. Since I wrote that column, my family has celebrated two more weddings. Within a ten-month period, our eldest son, our daughter, and a sister tied the knot. I have come to associate certain symbols with each wedding.

A wedding is a journey

"Two Bright Coloured Suitcases and Sun"

One of our weddings was a destination wedding of sorts. Although it did not take place in an exotic, foreign location, it required travel for the majority of guests, who spent the weekend together at a resort. The symbol I associate with this wedding is a suitcase. While a suitcase is an unusual symbol for a wedding, I think it an appropriate one because a suitcase conjures up images of a journey. Marriages, like journeys, are full of adventure and discovery.

The marriage journey takes a couple to unexpected places. Along the way, a married couple may have to discard some of the proverbial baggage from the past, acquire new bags and repack. A marriage is a journey of mutual wonder when the suitcase is packed with the attributes of a loving relationship, with virtues such as patience, kindness, humility, and selflessness.

"Tying the knot"

During my year of weddings, I learned that the knot is a traditional symbol of marriage. Thus, the expression, “tying the knot” has become a colloquial way of saying that someone is getting married. At one of our weddings, the minister symbolically bound the couple together by placing a sash over their wrists, and saying, “What God has joined together, let no one tear asunder.”

"Double Heart Shaped Silver Rope Tied" 

A well-tied knot fastens things together and is difficult to undo. A couple joined together in marriage is a bit like two pieces of rope knotted together. The two become one, while retaining their individuality. The knot is a symbol of unity and of the exclusive relationship of marriage.

A house built on rock

Rocks (not the sparkly variety) became the predominant symbol for another one of our weddings. Rocks are essential elements in construction. When hewn into blocks, rocks become cornerstones. Rocks, in the form of gravel, are an integral component of the concrete used in foundations. Rocks form walls that provide stability against erosion, and give shape to gardens and landscapes. The solid and enduring nature of a rock makes it an excellent symbol for the commitment required of marriage.

For one of the readings at this wedding, the couple had chosen a parable from the Gospel of Matthew. A wise man builds his house on rock, so when the storms come and beat against the walls of the house, the house remains intact. A good marriage is like a house built on rock. As the pastor at this wedding remarked, there are three rocks that are essential for a life-giving marriage: trust, forgiveness, and fidelity.

In what was surely an inspired moment, a family member brought three rocks, labeled “trust”, “forgiveness”, and “fidelity” respectively, to the reception, and invited everyone to sign a rock. The rock that quickly became crowded with names was “forgiveness”. Maybe this was due to the comment that “there is no love without forgiveness,” or maybe the desire for forgiveness resonates with our experience of relationship.

These rocks are a visual reminder of the promises the couple made on their wedding day. The sincere attempt to live their promises will help them to weather the storms that life offers up.

Departure and destination: wedding and marriage

In a perfect world, every marriage would be built on mutual patience, kindness, humility and respect, and every couple would be perfect soul mates. Alas, we live in an imperfect world, where sometimes the rigors of the journey, and the baggage that we pack around with us, erode the beauty of the relationship that a couple embraces on their wedding day.

The three symbols in my year of weddings, the knot, the rocks, and the suitcase, remind me that the wedding day is an exciting point of departure. The destination is the sincere attempt to live the vows over the course of the journey. With a securely fastened suitcase that includes trust, forgiveness, and fidelity, the couple is well on their way.

"Wedding Rocks" by Louise McEwan

Photos courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos
"Double Heart Shaped Rope Tied" by nuttakit
"Two Bright Coloured Suitcases with Sun" by Victor Habbick

Married spirituality

Recovering from wedding fever

Months before my son’s wedding, people began asking me if I had my dress. I didn’t. I began to worry about my dress. I woke up at night, worrying about this dress that I didn’t have. I was succumbing to wedding fever, a condition of temporary craziness that grips women involved with wedding planning.

A good self-talking to (“Relax, it’s only a dress”) and a plan of action (“Go shopping”) put things back into perspective. When I finally went shopping for the dress two months before the event (which seemed like plenty of time to me), I discovered these sorts of special occasion dresses are typically ordered a minimum of three months in advance. ("Has everyone gone mad?" I wondered. "All these dresses, and I can't buy one off the rack?")

The wedding industry: form over substance

Weddings have become an industry, an economic driver of small proportions. Put the word “wedding” in front of something, and the price escalates. According to the website for Weddingbells magazine, there will be 156, 920 weddings this year in Canada at an average cost of $23,330. That’s an astounding 3,660,943,600!

Weddings are not only costly; the planning is time consuming, and for some, becomes a feverish obsession. Most of the planning focuses on the external elements that make the party special.

The wedding industry promotes form over substance. The goal for the wedding day is to transform everything. Decorations transform ordinary venues into magical places of beauty. Bridal gowns transform brides into princesses. Tuxedos, dresses and up-dos transform members of the bridal party into red carpet celebrities.

The ceremony, which should be the main event, plays second fiddle to the buzz of the party. This is obvious in the Weddingbells budget estimate. The estimate accounts for items such as the bridal gown, flowers, venue, cake, photography, videography, wedding bands, transportation, wedding favors, and DJ’s. Tellingly, there is no mention of a minister (religious or civil), church, or organist.

Towards a spirituality of marriage

All this leads me to wonder, are we, as a society losing sight of what weddings celebrate? 

To balance the obsessive craziness of wedding planning, couples and their families need to rediscover a spirituality of marriage. This is particularly important when 25% of first marriages end in divorce within 10 years.

A spirituality of marriage, whether in the religious or civil sphere, begins with pondering the meaning of the marriage vows, which are remarkably similar in both types of ceremonies. Through their vows, the couple freely gift themselves to each other. They promise to honor one another, care for one another in sickness and in health, and to forsake all others for the duration of their lives.

Married spirituality, and this may seem odd, looks like the Paschal mystery of Jesus, which is the experience of transformation through suffering, death and resurrection.

Dying to self to create a communion of persons

Marriage is the willingness to give your life for the one you love. Most of us will never have to physically die for our spouse. To create a life-giving marriage, both spouses have to die to the human tendency to focus on the self.

Marriage involves subduing the ego, liberating the self from the desire to be right, to control, to be dominant and to dominate. A spirituality of marriage places a premium on serving, rather than on being served.

Marriage welcomes the process of transformation. The self-centered “I” becomes the unified “we.” Two separate individuals become a communion of persons. Because life is full of daily annoyances that have the potential to create friction in a relationship, the process of transformation is ongoing throughout the life of a marriage.

The transforming experience of marriage takes effort. It’s not unlike planning for the party. A venue for a wedding is transformed for a day, and decorating it requires creative vision. The effect can be magical.

Creating a communion of persons, a “we” from two separate “I’s”, is magical, but it is not magic. It is a challenge for both spouses to accept. Both must embrace a spirituality of transformation from moment to moment, every day, year after year after year. Then, regardless of life’s ups and downs, the spouses share the joy of loving and being loved.

The love nurtured in marriage reaches out to family, friends, and the community. It calls the spouses outward to transform their world into a more loving and just society.

Wedding parties are fun, but the ceremony is the moment of significance. With the exchange of vows, two people commit themselves to becoming one in body, mind and spirit. The spiritual aspect of this union will be critical to the success of the body-mind relationship.