Married spirituality

Recovering from wedding fever

Months before my son’s wedding, people began asking me if I had my dress. I didn’t. I began to worry about my dress. I woke up at night, worrying about this dress that I didn’t have. I was succumbing to wedding fever, a condition of temporary craziness that grips women involved with wedding planning.

A good self-talking to (“Relax, it’s only a dress”) and a plan of action (“Go shopping”) put things back into perspective. When I finally went shopping for the dress two months before the event (which seemed like plenty of time to me), I discovered these sorts of special occasion dresses are typically ordered a minimum of three months in advance. ("Has everyone gone mad?" I wondered. "All these dresses, and I can't buy one off the rack?")

The wedding industry: form over substance

Weddings have become an industry, an economic driver of small proportions. Put the word “wedding” in front of something, and the price escalates. According to the website for Weddingbells magazine, there will be 156, 920 weddings this year in Canada at an average cost of $23,330. That’s an astounding 3,660,943,600!

Weddings are not only costly; the planning is time consuming, and for some, becomes a feverish obsession. Most of the planning focuses on the external elements that make the party special.

The wedding industry promotes form over substance. The goal for the wedding day is to transform everything. Decorations transform ordinary venues into magical places of beauty. Bridal gowns transform brides into princesses. Tuxedos, dresses and up-dos transform members of the bridal party into red carpet celebrities.

The ceremony, which should be the main event, plays second fiddle to the buzz of the party. This is obvious in the Weddingbells budget estimate. The estimate accounts for items such as the bridal gown, flowers, venue, cake, photography, videography, wedding bands, transportation, wedding favors, and DJ’s. Tellingly, there is no mention of a minister (religious or civil), church, or organist.

Towards a spirituality of marriage

All this leads me to wonder, are we, as a society losing sight of what weddings celebrate? 

To balance the obsessive craziness of wedding planning, couples and their families need to rediscover a spirituality of marriage. This is particularly important when 25% of first marriages end in divorce within 10 years.

A spirituality of marriage, whether in the religious or civil sphere, begins with pondering the meaning of the marriage vows, which are remarkably similar in both types of ceremonies. Through their vows, the couple freely gift themselves to each other. They promise to honor one another, care for one another in sickness and in health, and to forsake all others for the duration of their lives.

Married spirituality, and this may seem odd, looks like the Paschal mystery of Jesus, which is the experience of transformation through suffering, death and resurrection.

Dying to self to create a communion of persons

Marriage is the willingness to give your life for the one you love. Most of us will never have to physically die for our spouse. To create a life-giving marriage, both spouses have to die to the human tendency to focus on the self.

Marriage involves subduing the ego, liberating the self from the desire to be right, to control, to be dominant and to dominate. A spirituality of marriage places a premium on serving, rather than on being served.

Marriage welcomes the process of transformation. The self-centered “I” becomes the unified “we.” Two separate individuals become a communion of persons. Because life is full of daily annoyances that have the potential to create friction in a relationship, the process of transformation is ongoing throughout the life of a marriage.

The transforming experience of marriage takes effort. It’s not unlike planning for the party. A venue for a wedding is transformed for a day, and decorating it requires creative vision. The effect can be magical.

Creating a communion of persons, a “we” from two separate “I’s”, is magical, but it is not magic. It is a challenge for both spouses to accept. Both must embrace a spirituality of transformation from moment to moment, every day, year after year after year. Then, regardless of life’s ups and downs, the spouses share the joy of loving and being loved.

The love nurtured in marriage reaches out to family, friends, and the community. It calls the spouses outward to transform their world into a more loving and just society.

Wedding parties are fun, but the ceremony is the moment of significance. With the exchange of vows, two people commit themselves to becoming one in body, mind and spirit. The spiritual aspect of this union will be critical to the success of the body-mind relationship.

Stillness

Finding rest in stillness

Play

I chuckled as I ran by the local elementary school on a hot sunny day in late June. I don’t typically laugh when I’m running; I’m usually too busy gasping for air to even think about laughing. But this particular day, my heart laughed as I jogged by. 

It was sports day. Various stations were set up in readiness for the day’s events. The stations looked fun and I felt a childlike desire for play.

A few years ago, educators in the United Kingdom undertook an experiential study on play. A number of concerns prompted the study: high stress levels and depression in young children, poor academic performance, poor behavior, and inadequate social skills.

The educators made some remarkable discoveries when they equipped the playground with simple, everyday objects suitable for imaginative play. Student creativity increased. Playground fights decreased. Academic performance improved. Self-esteem rose; students took more risks academically and socially. Children were happier and less stressed when they had time for unstructured play.

That morning as I ran, I considered that as adults we either do not play enough, or our play fails to provide any measurable benefits. 

There are obvious reasons why adults ignore the importance of play. Family commitments, work, chores, and deadlines take priority over recreational activities. The expectations we impose on our self, or those that others impose on us, dominate our time.

When we do engage in leisure activities, we may not feel rested or refreshed. That round of golf was frustrating, the motor on the boat malfunctioned, or the kids were fighting. Despite all the money and time we spend on recreation, we often remain dissatisfied. 

Something, it seems, is lacking in our attitude towards leisure.

Sabbatical living

We can liken leisure to the biblical concept of the Sabbath. The Biblical explanation for the Sabbath goes back to the creation myth of Genesis. God created the earth in six days, and rested on the seventh. If rest was good for God, it was also good for people.

Initially, the Sabbath was a day of rest for everyone, including beasts of burden. Over time, a concept of sabbatical living evolved. The concept encompassed rest and relaxation, celebration with others, and sharing in God’s divine life. Periods of worship gave the individual and the community opportunities to pause, reflect, and connect with God. Attitudes of joy and thankfulness permeate sabbatical living.

The concept of sabbatical living reaches its fullness in the example and teaching of Jesus. When the Pharisees accused Jesus of breaking Sabbath laws, Jesus replied, “The Sabbath was made for humankind” (Mark 2.27). Work and rest both have a purpose and fulfill a need in human life.

The Gospels record instances of Jesus working hard, going off for a meal and a glass of wine with his buddies, and withdrawing to a remote place to pray. Jesus balanced work, recreation, and leisure as a spiritual discipline. As a spiritual discipline, leisure was a form of personal re-creation that energized Jesus to return to his ministry with vigor and passion.

Leisure nourishes spirituality

Leisure can be for us a practice that nourishes spirituality, but it demands a shift in our attitude towards time. In a culture that often judges a person’s worth by the activity of their smart phone, leisure teaches that constant availability and activity is detrimental. In a society that makes a competition of busyness, leisure says to slow down.

In today’s social environment, we may feel compelled to buy into the busyness, even with our leisure time. Our vacations sometimes become such a swirl of activity that we return   home needing a rest.

Leisure encourages us to seek rest for our souls, to listen to the sounds outside of our self, and to see the world beyond our self.

Leisure asks that we stop running so that we might breath in deeply of the stillness that makes us receptive to God. In stillness, we encounter the presence of God in our self, in others, in our activities, and in the world around us. In stillness, we temporarily transcend our concerns. We re-emerge with new vision and energy.

If we approached leisure as a spiritual discipline that nourished stillness, I suspect that we would experience benefits similar to those that the children in the study experienced from play. If we could learn to rest our weary self in God, we would become more creative, productive, self-possessed, selfless, joyful and holy.

Landscapes of love

Landscapes of love


Road trips and landscapes:

Road trips and summer vacation are synonymous for many families. Over the years, our family has made many road trips. We derived numerous benefits from our road trips. We made lifetime memories, found creative solutions to unexpected problems, rediscovered the joys of simple pleasures, experienced new places, and learned new things about the people, and world around us.

Longer road trips exposed us to a variety of unfamiliar landscapes. Recalling some of our road trips, I see in my mind’s eye a diversity of Canadian landscapes.

Lake Louise

Coast off Tofino BC
Louise McEwan photo

A full moon over the snow capped mountains surrounding Lake Louise, the brilliant yellow fields of flowering rapeseed in eastern Saskatchewan, the tide crashing into the craggy coastline off Botanical Beach on Vancouver Island are just three of the memorable landscapes etched in my mind. Each of these landscapes had a unique beauty that touched my heart.

What we see in a landscape is only a fraction of the diversity and life that abounds there. We catch a glimpse of the promise of the landscape. Snow capped mountains hold the promise of life giving waters that will eventually tumble to the sea, and return to the land in the form of the rain that nourishes. The crops in the fields speak of the cooperation between human hands and nature, and hold the promise of grains and oils for food preparation. The diverse life of the ocean lies invisible beneath the waves.

Landscapes reveal something about God:

Landscapes can be spiritually charged environments that provide a glimpse into the nature of God. To the receptive individual, these environments reveal something of the divine personality.

Love is the chief trait of this personality. The evangelist, John, repeatedly defines God as love. Over and over, John reiterates, “God is love,” and reminds us that “whoever remains in love remains in God and God in him” (1 John 4:16).

Landscapes can be symbolic of God’s abundant and sustaining love for humanity. As we view a landscape, we know rather than see, that it supports an amazing array of plants, animals and insects, and that all of these are interconnected. We glimpse God’s sustaining love in the landscape’s ability to sustain its diverse life forms.

We encounter God’s abundant love in our lives, through those things we refer to as blessings. In times when we do not feel blessed, God’s love sustains us through the barrenness of our personal landscape. We know this through faith, even though we may not perceive it at the time.

The variety of landscapes throughout the world speaks of God’s creativity. Mountain peaks, plains, beaches, rain forests, and deserts speak of God’s imagination and artistry. God’s creativity is reflected in human endeavors as successive generations conceive new ideas and bring them to fruition. Human settlements, architecture, the arts, and technology are some of the ways we share in God’s creative imagination.

Landscapes as metaphor for relationship:

Our appreciation of landscapes can be a metaphor for our relationship to God.

 Old Glory - Rossland Range
Photo by Louise McEwan

We might treat this relationship like a landscape on the road trip, viewing it as a source of inspiration for our life, or simply glancing at it as we zoom by. We might stop at the viewpoint, look around, and say “Ah, how beautiful,” snap a photo and then drive off. In these cases, we have briefly seen, but not experienced the landscape. Our encounter with the landscape has been superficial. Or, we might become more engaged with the landscape. We pitch our tent, remain awhile, and experience the promise of the place.

We zoom by God, glancing briefly, when we let the busyness of life take precedence over the activation of our spirituality. God is in the background of our personal landscape; we believe but we do not engage.

Clipart from Clipartheaven.com

When we think about God only on Sunday, it is like stopping at the viewpoint to enjoy a stretch and the scenery. We go to church. We emerge feeling good. We have stretched our souls. But then we fall back into the rhythm of the week, and God is once again in the background of our personal landscape. We have taken the photo, but some time passes before we look at it again.

Photo by Louise McEwan 

Our relationship with God is a landscape full of promise. God invites us to pitch our tent and to put our self in the photo. We can drive by or become part of God’s landscape of love.

Summer reading selections

Visiting the local library at the start of summer holidays was a ritual when our children were little. We’d scour the shelves, make our selections, and sign out armfuls of books. A few days later, we’d be off to the lake, books in tow.

If the summer was a scorcher, we could retreat to the coolness of the cottage to read. If it rained, books helped to wait out the bad weather.

Those years are long past, but I still look forward to summer as a time to indulge in reading. Even if I'm not at the cottage, sitting under the gazebo with a good book makes an ordinary day into a holiday.

If you are heading off to your equivalent of cottage country, and are looking for something to read, I offer a few suggestions.

Fiction:

Lydia Davis’s new translation of Madame Bovary brings Gustave Flaubert’s classic to life. On the book's dust jacket, Emma Bovary is described as “the original desperate housewife.” Smart and pretty with refined sensibilities, Emma struggles to accept her situation as a married woman with limited opportunities for self-actualization. Married to a mediocre doctor, and living in a small provincial town, Emma gradually loses touch with reality. She inhabits a delusional world of romance, indulging her senses with expensive goods and her sexuality with a series of doomed affairs.

Originally published in 1856 in six installments in a periodical, the story quickly became notorious. Flaubert and his editors were tried and acquitted for offenses against public immorality and religion.

A family chronicle:

My favorite read this year, without a doubt, was Rain of Gold by Victor Villasenor. Rain of Gold walks the line between fiction and non-fiction. Villasenor masterfully incorporates elements of myth, magical realism, Catholicism, indigenous Mexican spirituality, and history in the retelling of his family history. There are scenes in this chronicle that will have you laughing, crying or cringing. In an amusing scene, Villasenor describes his grandmother sitting in the outhouse with her cigar and whiskey, “gossiping with the Virgin.”

Non-fiction, spirituality:

If you are looking for something to nourish your soul, you might enjoy one of the following.

Maria Boulding’s translation of Saint Augustine’s The Confessions, published by New City Press is very readable. I have tried to read other translations of The Confessions in the past without a great deal of success. Translated from Latin, the language always seemed stilted and inaccessible. 

Boulding’s translation captures Augustine’s voice, including his sense of humor. The edition includes an informative introduction, useful notes and a comprehensive index. Parts of The Confessions are so beautiful; they will make your heart ache with the desire to know God as Augustine came to know God.

In one of his essays, Francis Bacon, a literary figure of the 17th century, divided books into three types. One type of book is to be tasted or read only in parts. Another type is to be swallowed or read superficially. These types of books are common. The third type of book is rare. It is to be chewed and digested, read “wholly and with diligence and attention.” The Confessions is one of those rare books that deserves to be chewed slowly and ruminated over.

The Prodigal God, by Timothy Keller is easy to read and challenges the reader on a personal level. This in-depth look at the parable of the prodigal son, found in The Gospel of Luke 15:11-32, provides new insight into the parable. Keller focuses on the limitations that the sons place on their love for their father and on the father’s loving response to each. Keller challenges readers to evaluate their actions and motivations, to make changes, and to accept the father’s invitation to the banquet.

The Only Necessary Thing: Living a Prayerful Life, edited by Wendy Wilson Greer, is a compilation of some of the writings of Henri Nouwen. 

Although noted as a man who was faithful to prayer, Nouwen was no stranger to the demands of a busy schedule or the intrusions that an active mind have on solitude and time with God. His humanness gives authenticity to his writings. The compilation is not an academic treatment of prayer, but a resource for nourishing a prayerful life.

The Only Necessary Thing is a series of short passages on a variety of topics, all relating to prayer in some way. The passages average around a page each, making this little book perfect for daily reflection.

Whether you prefer to taste, swallow, or chew and digest your summer reading, your local library or bookseller is certain to have something to please your palate.

Happy reading!

Be your own person

Following the crowd

Growing up in my family, we were encouraged to exercise wise judgment. Whenever we were begging for permission to follow the crowd, instead of saying “No,” my mother would ask us, “If everyone jumped off the bridge, would you?” 

Trail BC bridge crossing the Columbia River

Since we lived near the fast flowing Columbia River with its dangerous undercurrents, jumping off the bridge was paramount to suicide.

My mother’s metaphor was clear. Sometimes bad things happen when you run with the pack. Be your own person.

My mother was very clever. Her question was annoying because our answer determined the outcome. Our impatient reply was always, “Of course not.” With that answer, we had sealed our fate; it meant that we did not have a good argument for our case. There was no need for Mom to say no. We had said no to ourselves. We had monitored our behavior before we had any opportunity to get into mischief.

Some of the young people involved in the recent Vancouver riot could have benefitted from repeated exposure to my mother’s question. If they had the self-control to monitor their behavior, they could have saved themselves and their families the heartache of their bad choices and the consequences of their criminal acts.

A scene from the Vancouver riot 2011

An unfortunate example

Take the unfortunate example of one rioter. A 17-year-old elite athlete, he was poised to attend university on a scholarship for water polo. He was captured on camera in what appears to be an attempt to ignite a police car on fire.

This young man turned himself into police, asked the court’s permission to waive his right as a minor to keep his identity anonymous, and made a remorseful public apology. He apologized first to his parents, saying that his actions do not reflect the lessons and values they have taught him. He accepts responsibility and is anxious to restore his reputation.

This rioter said that he was caught up in the moment. After having jumped off the bridge, he is trying to swim back to shore.

He is feeling some very unpleasant consequences because of his poor judgment. He has been publicly shamed and threatened on social media sites to such an extreme degree that his family had to leave their home. He has been provisionally suspended from the national water polo team. He missed his high school graduation.

Missing a high school graduation may not sound like much of a consequence, but high school graduation is a milestone in the lives of almost every young adult. It marks the passage from childhood to adulthood, and is a time of recognition and celebration.

The young rioter and his family had a lot to celebrate. He had a particular set of skills that had put him on a path towards the Olympics. Not many graduates can say that.

What's in the toolbox?

All graduates, though, have a set of skills that they have developed over the years. They leave high school with an impressive set of tools designed to help them achieve success in the world. All will have basic skills in literacy, numeracy, and technology. Some will have tailored their skills according to their interests and abilities. They may have specialized skills in athletics, the arts, and leadership. The toolbox of skills that the graduates have assembled will help them build the future of their imagination.

In today’s competitive environment, it is easy to become overly focused on the skill set because the quality of the skills in the toolbox has an influence on success. Parents are understandably anxious to provide opportunities for their children that might give them a bit of an edge in the world. Graduates are naturally focused on their future goals and strive hard to achieve them.

With society’s emphasis on fame and fortune, some may overlook the importance of a strong moral-ethical character, placing greater emphasis on a person’s marketable skills. But character matters in life. All the tools in the box need to be branded with personal integrity. An individual’s toolbox is incomplete if it lacks traits like self-control, honesty, faithfulness, respect, and good judgment.

The situation of the young rioter in the example above illustrates the point that my mother tried to impress on my sisters and me as teens. Choices have consequences. Let your choices reflect who you are, and not the character of the crowd. If you get caught up in the moment, you might regret jumping off the bridge. It’s a long fall, the water’s cold, and the swim back to shore, against the current of negative consequence, is exhausting.